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Granny Wolf

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May 20th, 2012

11:50 am: The Night Shift
The thing is that I’m not the only one. The percentages I’ve seen vary between 20 and 30, but a fair number of North Americans work the night shift. Personally, it suits me. I’ve always been up all night, and even before I worked this schedule I didn’t really become active and alert before nine p.m. Even so, some things need to be said. As I write this, nearby construction has made sleep impossible. This is a day after the seven a.m. furniture moving/ screaming child party that happened upstairs, so it’s kind of annoying. Of course, I have no right to complain because… why? Because the sun is in the sky? Who made these rules, some kind of diurnal Hitler? So anyway, for you daywalkers, let me break it down…

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Current Location: Danforth
Current Mood: awakeawake
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March 7th, 2012

07:36 pm: Holy Guardian Angel- a retrospective
It's been almost two years since I finished my HGA working, and those two years have been pretty much the most dramatic upheaval of my life. After I left my (shitty) job (that I hated), and correspondingly lost my (incredibly overpriced) apartment, my time in the wilderness was long and difficult. I went from a guy who was very used to living alone, in my own place, to all kinds of different and uncomfortable living situations. It got dark for a while, but hope dawned in due time. I got a new (awesome) job (that I love) and a new (reasonably priced) place on my own once again. It's not quite "everything old is new again," but at least I've regained some stability... you know... two years later.

As I see this anniversary coming up, I have to ask myself... exactly what did the working do for me? How did it change my life?

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Current Location: The Only
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January 30th, 2012

12:28 am: Wild Kingdom
I love animals, but my love isn't blind. I like to look my love in the eye. One of the many, barely questioned, ideas about the animal kingdom is that those that inhabit it are somehow morally different than us in fundamental ways. Sure there's violence, but that's just the food chain. It's different than what we do. Human beings, scum that we are, have done things that no other animal would do. We've destroyed the environment. We've wiped out other species. We have wars. We murder our own kind. Have you heard people say this? I know I have.

The thing is that it's dead wrong. Basically, I have three points to make.

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Current Location: Danforth
Current Mood: predatorypredatory
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January 20th, 2012

01:02 am:

January 11th, 2012

07:45 pm: The Lone Wolf and the Herd
This distinction is so fundamental to Thelema that it almost seems redundant to write about, but in the preparations for my next lecture (look out! spoilers!) I have been revisiting this question. First of all, the term "lone wolf" is somewhat of a misnomer. Wolves travel in packs. They are individuals working together, which is quite different from the idea of a herd, for reasons that we will elaborate on. In any institution, Thelemic or otherwise, constructive teamwork is an important but elusive goal. At the same time, it is necessary to accomplish. Nothing of lasting value is created by a single person acting alone. The brilliant writer who produces a masterpiece of literature, the amazing painter who dazzles the eye, the inspired architect who defies gravity and reason, all of these people rely on others to see their genius come into manifestation. The writer still needs people to publish and distribute their work. The painter needs it displayed somewhere and viewed by someone. The architect's brilliance is futile unless the design is actually constructed. The greatest ideas in the world mean absolutely nothing if they remain only ideas, and never come into being.

The master/slave dialectic described by Hegel, adopted by Nietzsche and declared fundamental to Thelema by Crowley could be an answer. But there is only so much that "slaves" (and how we choose to interpret that term is a question for another time) can accomplish. Often, in the course of working to manifest our creativity and our values, we rely, not just on people we can bend to our Wills, but talented individuals such as ourselves who may have different ideas and personalities, but with whom we share certain goals and values.

So what, really, is the difference between the wolfpack and the herd?

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Current Location: Danforth
Current Mood: Bouncy
Current Music: bubbling curry
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January 6th, 2012

02:51 pm: The Value of a Lie
The values that motivate our decision to lie say a lot about our personal, 
fundamental code of ethics. Lies come more easily to some than others, but it 
can be stated without fear of contradiction that everybody lies about something, 
sometimes. There is no way to grow as individuals without exploring our values, 
and our values are always one step ahead of us. Life and experience causes them 
to change, sometimes without our immediate knowledge. Lies are interesting ways of
 revealing what we truly hold dear, because the lies that most people tell (unless
 lying is some intrinsic part of their overall approach to life) are not planned.
 We lie instinctively, usually as a reaction to some kind of surprise, a question
 we weren't expecting, a person mentioned that we had not considered, a situation
 we had not anticipated. I have no interest in telling you why I lie, but I've 
noticed that when one catches oneself in a lie, it is useful to ask the question,
 "why didn't I tell the truth?" Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying anything bad 
about lying. I'm saying that identifying the situations in which you lie, even 
when it is just instinctive denial of the obvious, and the situations in which 
you tell the truth, even when it obviously goes against your interests, tells you
 a whole hell of a lot about what you really value. What's really important to you.

But first, you have to look in the mirror and admit that you were lying...

Current Location: 2nd Cup Freddy
Current Music: dreck

December 21st, 2011

09:04 am:

We missed the "drugs" portion of the lecture. That may be for the best...

Current Location: Danforth

November 2nd, 2011

03:21 pm: Happy Birthday!!!
Here are a few snippets from my next novel. Enjoy!

Those of you interested in Phoenix, the most recent, can contact me for details on how to get a copy.

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Current Mood: amusedamused

September 19th, 2011

05:20 pm: Risks and Community
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  I've made many friends very quickly, coming into a social group with pre-established values and ethics.  This has made me realize that A. my former friends were not really very good friends and B. that a healthy community is possible.  There is, however, a disadvantage.  It's nice to have friends that care about you, that look out for you, that tell you the truth.  But those friends will get worried and upset if you take risks.  Since taking risks is kind of my thing, it's been... interesting.  My biggest personal conflict lately has been trying not to let the fact that people are worried about me stop me from doing the things they are worried about me doing.  This has never been a problem for me, ever, before.  Because of health problems when I was young, I was a very sheltered child.  Doing shitloads of PCP and crystal meth in my early twenties, as well as tremendous physical risks I took doing ridiculous stunts purely for the sake of showing off to people too fucked up to remember the event, were both the direct result of that sheltered upbringing.  In one sense I was rebelling against my protective mother, but in another sense my protective upbringing gave me the feeling that nothing bad could really happen to me.  Real life quickly disabused me of this notion, but not of the desire to cross lines, push buttons, and generally fuck with things understood to be dangerous.  If it ain't broke, break it!

At the same time, I have been very genuinely appreciative and happy about the tremendous support, and feats of friendship, that I have experienced with my NEW friends.  And that has given me pangs of... something.  I've always been very open about my occult practice.  While this in itself is not a problem, when we get into details some people become very worried for me.  I've laid down a challenge to the four great devils, and am in the process of confronting them.  This has generated many stories about horrible things happening to me.  I've documented most of those here, so you guys know, I won't bore you with repeating the details.  Still, I don't feel bad about any of it.  I see all of my suffering as beautiful and necessary.  Suffering is, in a sense, an artform.  That's part of what "existence is pure joy" means.  You have to appreciate everything about existence.  It won't always be fun, but it will always be beautiful.  This, however, is hard for some people to wrap their heads around.  I'm used to people worrying about me, but I never cared about those people.  Now it's coming from people who actually mean something to me, and this is new.  I'm not saying I've changed what I'm doing, but it's made it harder.

I've been thinking about this a lot because I'm working on a workshop on Practical Enochian Magick to be given in a few weeks.  Well, I'm working on a few, but we start Oct. 17.  Enochian is cool because you can approach it using various
systems.  The experience you have trying to contact an Enochian angel via evocation is very different than the same spirit approached via astral travel or some system of divination such as geomancy.  Back in the old days, I used to use a system based on African voodun to work the Goetia.  I stopped doing that because I found that I could not control the possession experience.  I wonder if anyone uses this with Enochian magick, and how well it works.

The interesting this is that the terrible experiences I had working the Goetia in that way generally happened because I was completely isolated.  My friends were fake, my girlfriend hated me, my life was full of phonies.  Voodun happens within a STONG COMMUNITY.  I think, especially now, that this is a key aspect of that system.  A spirit can hide itself in your mind, to the point at which you're behaving in ways you are totally not conscious of, but which a strong community would pick up on.  Most of magick is isolated and individual, but this particular system, because it's based on controlled possession, MUST have a series of checks and balances.  You cannot trust yourself to be sure the spirit is gone.  You cannot.  You cannot.  I've been doing this shit, at this point, for a long time, and I say with absolute confidence that NOBODY is that good.  

Take risks.  But if you have real friends, listen to them as well.  Don't let that stop you from taking risks, but let it help you understand what those risks actually are.

Current Location: Jane St
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September 11th, 2011

02:52 am: Al Khem- Love

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Current Location: Jane st
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